October 18th, 2006


Jenny Craig Needed

It is official: Emily the cat has gotten so fat that she can no longer lick her own ass.

It's true: when she tries, she ends up flat on her back and writhing side-to-side like a worm on the sidewalk. It's both hilarious and pitiful at the same time. She has now been put on a diet, which is requiring me to feed Gizmo in a separate room. He prefers to eat a bit, then bathe, then eat a bit more, and then bathe again before finishing off his meal. Emily, however, plows through her food like Lindsay Lohan through cocaine, and if I don't keep them apart she will gobble both her food and his before he has finished his first bath. This is why she is such a ginormous cow-cat at the moment, and why he has wasted away to fur and bones.

This shall not stand.

Lord, onceupon, she weighs more than he does!

Cow-cat, I'm telling you.
  • Current Music
    Dire Straits - Skateaway

The Muse: A Hungry American Hero

"I want some pizza," the Muse said. "Also, I want world peace. Mostly though, I just want some pizza."

"You're a true patriot, Muse," I said.

"Wanting world peace might get me labeled anti-American and end up with me tossed in prison with no trial, having my fingernails pulled out, and having my family disappeared," she said. "Pizza is a much safer option."