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McQueenless

  • Jun. 3rd, 2004 at 12:54 AM
Bill Hicks
"I'd like to turn the floor over to Corporate Hop-a-Long now, and he can give you an idea of what's going to be happening around here over the next few months," the Emperor said, gesturing towards the suit with the crutches and cast. Hop-a-Long hobbled his way to the center of the room, and certainly no one was secretly wishing that he'd hit a puddle of water, a marble, a stray glass eye... not a single soul in the room was hoping that he might fall and break more than a bone in his leg.

He cleared his throat *cough cough* and stared at us all. He looked more like an English teacher with his thick glasses and neatly trimmed beard than a corporate uberboss, but any lingering doubts about his lack of humanity were erased when he began speaking.

"There will be," he began, and a stream of small black flies flew from his mouth as he spoke, "a 45 day period where those of you above the age of 55 may opt to leave the company and receive continued health care coverage for the period of one year, or until you find yourselves another job someplace else.

"Come September," he said, and a foul sulphurous stench became noticeable, "there will be significant steps made towards automation.

"Following this period of automation and early retirement," he continued, black ooze beginning to seep from his nostrils, ears, and the corners of his eyes, "positions will be merged or eliminated entirely. You will not be safe. Your families will not be safe. You will be fucked, royally and totally, especially if you make more than $30,000 a year. Not all of you will be sacrificed for greater corporate profits, however, and we won't tell you right now who will and who will not be. If we did, those of you who are going to be fired would perhaps attempt to find other jobs now, leaving us with an employee vacuum that would hurt our massive broadcasting profits. As such, we're going to string you all along for the next four months until we're prepared to lop your heads off, and then we'll carry on without you, and bathe naked in tubs of money from our bonuses.

"Any questions?" he asked. A lone hand timidly rose, and fell again as a shot rang out. The body collapsed to the studio floor, and Hop-a-Long put the smoking gun back into his shoulder holster. "Any further questions?"

Dead silence.

"No one escapes from Stalag 17," he said. "Unless we fire your sorry asses."

Comments

pethead07 wrote:
Oct. 29th, 2004 10:32 am (UTC)
Ye Gods, man-- you've updated yr LJ about as often as I have!

No, but listen-- we've really got to chat again sometime soon. I miss ya.

--E
king_cool_paul wrote:
Oct. 29th, 2004 11:30 am (UTC)
Well, do me a favor, dangit, and email me your address again, would you? I think my mailer ate it, and I'm not sure which of the sixty of them or so I've got for you you're actually using ;)

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