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Lying Liar

  • Mar. 31st, 2005 at 5:32 AM
"I'm not sure which sort of day I like better, Muse," I said. "The sort where lots of interesting things happen, and I've got plenty to write about, or the sort where nothing interesting happens, but I get to have a little mental rest through the day."

"You didn't get any mental rest today, dear," she said.

"No? I don't have anything to write about, though."

She held up her hand and began ticking off her fingers. "You've decided that as much as you love someone, that doesn't mean you can work with her without wanting to bury a fire axe in her head. You got extremely irritated with the show tonight and wanted to give a war yell and again bury some fire axes in a few heads. You had a very lovely talk with Belle about how much you both completely rule the universe. You listened to a great deal of good music tonight, and spent the first evening in months without turning the heat on. How's that?"

"Well, sure, Muse, stuff happened, but it's not exactly interesting for anyone to read, you know."

"Then make something up. Tell them I was belly dancing naked for you in a tub of lime jello, while a monkey in a fez fondled himself in the corner of the room and you were talking to Houdini on a spirit phone. Who the hell is going to know the difference?"

"You realize of course, Muse, that the only thing in that paragraph anyone would believe would be the part where you're naked, right?"

She crinkled her nose. "I do sort of like to get naked, don't I?"

I nodded. "Not that I'm complaining. I am a man, after all, and naked women are traditionally all I think about at least forty-five seconds out of every minute."

"Only forty-five? I would have thought it would be at least fifty."

I shrugged. "I'm old, what can I say? The fire in the belly has slowed down just enough for me to be able to work in fifteen seconds of higher thought in every minute. I'm so proud of myself."

"You'll always be a pig to me, darling. Now fetch me a monkey and some jello and we'll get down to business."

"In the morning, Muse, in the morning. This boy is pooped, he is."

"Good thing the monkey didn't hear you say that," she said in a hushed voice. "You know he loses it when he hears the "p" word. We'd be cleaning the walls for weeks. That shit is hard to get out."

"Literally," I said.

She nodded. "Bad monkey. He needs a good spanking."

"That's your territory, baby. I'm too tired. This monkey is going to heaven, or at least to bed."

She sighed. "No sense of adventure anymore, I tell you."

"Tell me in the morning, Muse. My bed is calling to me."

"Understandable, Gibbon your current state of being."

I groaned. "No more simian puns, please, Muse. I'm too tired."

"Quit monkeying around then and get to bed."

"Stop already!"

She stuck her tongue out. "Someone had too much work time today and not enough Rhesus."

I ran up the stairs towards the bedroom, shouting over my shoulder. "I'm not listening any more! La la la la la la!"

"King Kong ain't got nothin' on you!" I heard her shout up after me as I slammed the door shut behind me.


faldrick wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 06:26 pm (UTC)
I am not sure if I have or not...
but I wanted to say that I enjoy these nuggets when you post them.
king_cool_paul wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
Re: I am not sure if I have or not...
Well, thanks! It wouldn't be half as much fun putting them up if nobody wanted to read them. A quarter as much fun, maybe. It's all part of my master plan to gather a hoard of readers who will have to rush out and buy my book, whenever that gets finished.

I'm such a bastard ;)

giggleloop wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)
Just further illustrates my firm belief that monkeys are always funny. Always.


king_cool_paul wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
Monkeys in tuxedos and smoking are even funnier, though. You have to agree with me there ;)
giggleloop wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 09:05 pm (UTC)
Well yeah, of course, because monkeys are involved, so, funny. :)

king_cool_paul wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC)
Nice to see *you* back, by the way. We can't both not be chatty Cathy's at the same time. Someone has to pick up the slack around here ;)
giggleloop wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)

Is the slack heavy? I don't want to injure myself picking it up. :P

king_cool_paul wrote:
Mar. 31st, 2005 11:40 pm (UTC)
It's just as heavy as you want to make it, doll. I prefer to think of it as very light indeed.

giggleloop wrote:
Apr. 1st, 2005 12:56 am (UTC)
Wow, that was deep. :)



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